Canadian comic Katherine Ryan explains the perks of dating younger men. I’ll get to you.” I have to take a Valium and like, “Mommy has to lay down.” I get easily overwhelmed. What I’m trying to explain to you is, I’m not gonna treat them the way I did cockroaches that I saw in my apartment in my 30s, right? He doesn’t speak. I am a smooth touch. I wanted a gravy boat. That was it. “Meredith? It’s not the same as single horniness. I swear I would get married again. Um… ” When you’re a grown-up, you can just have wine waiting at the house. For society? I have a guy friend who’s kind of like me. Never got on an airplane. She loves him and he loves her. You’re some 40-year-old guy and you’ve got nice china. That was nature. Now, here’s the thing. I was bragging about turning 40 and looking young because I know that I look a little younger. He goes, “Dude, that’s so cool, where did you buy that?” I go, “Buy that? Bye!” Why can’t we do that? You have to take precautions when you live alone. Which is gross. I didn’t know the horniness of a divorced person. And I know, I know, I know. Yoo-hoo, fellas. I’m proud of myself. I know that that sounds awful, but there is no reason to make a list of people you don’t like, and then go, “Let’s invite them to the wedding.” I don’t understand. His car ran out of gas because his bank account ran out of money. But it did work. And no woman thinks, “I met the man of my dreams. “Hello, penis. No, that’s not a pretend guillotine, that’s a wine rack. “What are those two citrus fruits?” They don’t do that. Like, it’s happening. She would say things to me about him. How can you put your penis in someone who doesn’t care who Jimi Hendrix is? There is no word for a man who is in his 40s and dates someone younger. Child-free people have to walk around not looking like monsters, so we have to say lies like, “I love kids, they’re just not for me.” That doesn’t make sense. Presents! That’s why you didn’t know. You think we can cash that thing out?” “Looks great, guys.” But they never thought to go, “What’s the yellow one?” What’s the green one? And he’s blown away when he sees my place. Is it like Whac-A-Mole boobs? “Oh, I’m sure they just came in from the outside. I see more people in a week than I bet you guys do. I’m enjoying myself. But then I forgot along the way. My parents are great parents. How would that ever happen? There’s 12 kinds of nuts. What I think is gonna happen is everyone’s gonna get so stupid that we will just start spontaneously dying. People on Earth go, “God, please, let him up to heaven.” God’s like, “All right, I heard you.” The voices. I get it. “I promise, next time I come over.” So, Lee comes running out of the room, screaming. Kirkman… Could I buy you a drink? Why don’t you get in touch with the fact that you moved across the country from your mom? We have to get someone… “Are you… ” You see another couple. I get home, my friend says to me, “You know that guy was 20?” I’m like, “Who cares?” I’m a cougar. Do we have gay friends here tonight? “Get outta here!” Get out, you young people! “My God. I wasn’t. And he doesn’t say anything, right away. And I wake up the next day so angry ’cause I didn’t get it out. Sometimes “silver fox.” That’s kind of a cool-sounding thing. I’ll put butter on my face. But when you’re four, it makes no sense. “Are you guys married? I’m not against… marriage. Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) 2015 | 16 | 1 Std. He pees everywhere. Yeah, let’s do it. – That was really funny. It’s like ringing a doorbell. So… Speaks English. But it’s nice that it’s there. So… The little elves that paint the hairs black, they have been given a pension. “I don’t think so! So I get nervous. So I was like, “Oh, my God.”. Not snack bowls. But we want him to feel like anything is possible. We’re friends with your sister. I cannot say about this, “Well, my vagina smoked in the ’80s, didn’t it?” Or, “I put that thing right out in the sun with tinfoil sometime.” Just burned it to a crisp. And why am I getting up early? Don’t you see?”. Now, here’s the thing. Punk-rock pussy. Or maybe get a pizza or just fall asleep.” Divorced horniness needs to be taken care of right away. This is not rock and roll trivia, old lady edition. Someone is gassing you ’cause they secretly hate you. Like, I can’t play the N-word version of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” ’cause some of my relatives might be like, “Yeah, finally, Jen.” Like, no, no, we’re not… No. People rely on Dave and they have no idea that he doesn’t know what a lime or a lemon is. I know it is real. Juice party. My friend is reading a lot of self-help books about how to raise a good kid. So I start making promises to myself. I can’t do that. – Yeah. And now my DNA is on it. Your email address will not be published. They can’t see the crops. “Kids!” Oh, my God, they just start freaking out. I feel like except for two scientists that won’t tell me when I can start smoking and then us, everything else is an abomination. In her fourth stand-up special, Whitney Cummings returns to her hometown of Washington, D.C., and riffs on modern feminism, relationships, technology and, of course, sex robots. Don’t be dumb. Everyone’s fucking each other out here. Grow it right out. I know what happened. Rainbows, sunset, fruity drink, palm trees. I’m a grown-up at the comedy club and this is my world, so I don’t know how to, like, adjust it all up for you right now. Because I went to a frozen yogurt shop, and there was a 20-year-old girl working there. I think that’s what she wanted to wear that day. “I don’t care.”, I’m an old piece of china at this point. “Whoa, dude, what?” Oh, my God, I can’t even believe you didn’t say anything sooner. It's a thing people would say to me when I tell them I don't have kids. Oh, a smattering. It’s a show about me. Oh. She put me to bed every night and we prayed together. – But there is no juice. If you’re not an old-school Catholic, purgatory is where God puts you if he can’t decide if you’re good or bad. You have mustard on your face.” “She loved it. I’ll never do that again. He doesn’t want this. I’m not going out there. Here. Let ’em find me!” Let ’em wonder. He is not high, he is not drunk. I’ve been in bed at 7:30. But the thing is, my life is in transition. “Oh, I hope someone comes by.” It’s sad. There have been people in it, but I don’t get close enough for them to get to farting level. See ya! “Hey!” Get in the back seat, honey.” He gets in the back seat. “I want a gravy boat. Or I’d shave it into a mohawk, like Billy Idol. And I had my Sassy from 1992, with Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love kissing on the cover. I’m serious. But in my head, I had to come up with something new. Someone had to milk a cow. – Thank you. It’s like if you have to get in the house really fast and you have to pee and your body thinks you’re home, you’re like, “Don’t wet your pants, body!” You know, it’s that. It’s true. Did that house turn 40? (2015– ). I am not going near that house. If I’m at an airport, you know I have just taken a Klonopin and bought an Us Weekly. But thank you. If I could just get, like, a 65-year-old woman to just crawl up my ass and stay there. It’s a totally different thing, this generation. But it doesn’t mean they’re old. Will you take our picture? The stage manager let us in, but we can’t stay. Not a great fashion look, but maybe he’s important. I have this really cool coffee table that I put collectible items in. I don’t know.” I want someone with a prescription pad. I’m like, “I didn’t bring the car seat.” I’m gonna get a ticket if a cop sees this. In her first comedy special post-health scare, Sarah Silverman shares a mix of fun facts, sad truths and yeah-she-just-went-there moments. That’s what’s gonna happen. ‘Cause I was 37. He just slumps over. And, like, you know, how it’s silly or not silly, or whatever it is, because it’s not legal for everyone to get married in this country. He loves her. There’s a penis in the woods. This is your own deal. I got up at 6 a.m. to go jogging. And he just leans me against the wall and gets real close and he whispers, “You’re right, I do need therapy.” Every time. You’re like, “That’s so cute.” And then Cindy’s there. Another thing, “Who is going to take care of you when you’re old?” “Servants. Not indigenous to the area at all. Sorry, do I… ? – Ugh! You’re like, “What’s death? He just goes to the woman, “Hey, hon, why don’t you turn on the hockey game for me?” I’m like, “Ugh, less sports, more pop-up books of fruit for you, buddy!”, I had a birthday, as everyone does. So he texts me the next night, he’s supposed to come and get me. It’s hard when you gain weight. I have to have a situation that is true. 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